by Joker
Yes, this Outhousekeeper sat in a movie theater with his popcorn, Coke zero and overpriced candy to review Will Smith's new stinker, "Seven Pounds." While the wastes from the food at the concession stand built up in my stomach, I couldn't help but squirm in my seat as I sat through quite simply the biggest vanity project failure in recent years (Worse than Battlefield Earth).

Will Smith loves human emotion. He's put themes in his past three movies ("I Am Legend", "Hancock" and now "Seven Pounds.") and also thinks he's GOD (more on that later). But Smith must see us mere mortals as depressed, bitter souls, probably because we're not Will Smith. And that's where "Seven Pounds" was birthed - in Will Smiths' own mind of 'what if I was just an everyday guy? How would I...feel?' Probably like shit. You see, "Seven Pounds" isn't a fun movie. It is not an entertaining movie. The attempts at humor are so lame (Screenwriter should write: "A big dog walks and YANKS Will forward for big audience HA HA") that I found myself wondering, "This must be to lighten the movie up for what's to come.

"Seven Pounds" is not entertainment. "Seven Pounds" is a movie about a depressed man with suicidal intent who steals his living brother's identity and uses his occupation with the IRS to gain access to seven random people's hopsital bill debt. Why is he doing this? Well, typing on your Blackberry (Lesson #1: Don't do it) while driving can be just as bad as drinking and driving - and it could kill in this case, seven people.

Ben Thomas, or I should say Tim Thomas, feels so guilty he wants to take his life, especially since he was responsible for his fiancee's death in the process. Everything in the movie is see-thru and foreshadow. There is not a moment that feels apart of the story rather than a gimmick. When Tim tells Emily Posa (in need of a heart transplant, awww) a story about two boys, you can almost point that gimmick out, which we'll need later in the story. So he decides to help seven people in order to repay his debt to the seven people whose lives he took by typing on his Blackberry (so dangerous!)

The movie does not focus on all seven people; mainly only Emily Posa (Rosario Dawson) because we want to cover the UGLY TRUTH about this story with romance. So we could care less about Woody Harrelson as the blind guy, or the five other people Ben helps because he's only there to give them something and then they make their exit from the movie (with the exception of Ben Thomas, his brother).

Here's the problem with "Seven Pounds": The structure and inadvertently, its message. The movie opens up with Mr. Smith crying (or moping) to a 911 operator, reporting his own suicide. A wrong way to start the film because everything in-between up until the last 10 minutes will become irrelevant to the viewer. Seriously. Who cares about the little kid who needs the bone marrow? Who cares about the spanish woman who needs to get away from her abusive husband? Who cares about Woody Harrelson attempting horribly to play a blind guy? Who cares about Ben Thomas and his lung cancer? Who cares about the white hockey coach? HE'S GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIMSELF!!! LET'S SEE IT! SHOW US! That's what's running through the minds of every logical person in the movie theater. "When's he gonna do it?" "When's he gonna do it?" We know he will attempt to kill himself. Having the same blood type as Emily and the fact that she needs a heart transplant is so obvious that he's going to kill himself. Anyone who thought he would have changed his mind after he meets Emily is stupid. This movie is the Ultimate Pity Train. It's dark. And it's not for his fan base. It may be "risky" for Will Smith, but it's really not. It's just a ridiculous mess. Hasn't this guy heard of Prozac and psychiatry? Why take the pussy way out and kill yourself? Because the movie wants him too!

Tim Thomas kills himself by poisonous jellyfish in his bathtub. And we see every nasty detail. In a PG-13 movie (PG-13s are R-rated in my opinion these days)...
On the floor next to the tub are directions "DONT TOUCH THE JELLYFISH." (Besides the MESSAGE that is clearly spelled out for you too). So if the jellyfish stung him and his organs are poisoned, why would his heart be of use to Emily? She does not know he kills himself until later on. But he literally kills himself right after he finds out she has a 3% change of finding a donor with her blood type; which he has. How convenient. Oh, and the death scene begs for you to cry. Cue the music. By killing himself, Tim Thomas thinks he is doing something heroic - but he is hurting the people around him including his childhood friend who looks alot like Barry Pepper (Battlefield Earth) as well as Emily and his brother. He's a fool in this movie, and you don't like him even though he's doing good deeds.

Will Smith gets to act out all the major beats of a drama - the crying, the screaming, the brooding, and the monologue. There are times I think Will Smith made this movie for Will Smith. So Tim dies. Emily is saved. Tim has donated Woody his eyeballs (very freaky, has to be seen) and the five other people get things/organs that are irrelevant to the story. He sacrifices himself (another Bibilical reference) for the woman he falls in love but cannot be with. It's either him or her. And since he wanted to die anyway, it all works out perfectly for the movie. Just because he kills himself, and he donates his organs, he should be forgiven? He should be a hero? What a WRONG message to send to depressed and suicidal people this season. "KILL YOURSELF - BUT DONATE THOSE ORGANS - SOMEONE WILL LOVE YOU FOR IT!" It's a 2-hour Public Service Announcement. But it's not like most of us read the back of our driver's licenses either, right?

The movie opened with $14 Million at the box office last weekend mainly because of the snow, but I don't think people right now (in a recession) want to watch Will Smith brood for two-hours. I don't think people want to watch Will Smith NOT be Will Smith. Take away the "Bad Boy" charm and "Men In Black" humor and you've got a really good 'actor.' The story was not engaging. The "twist" (I wouldn't even call it that) was not all what it was hyped up to be by the fucking studio. It is also the presence of Will Smith in this movie. Maybe this movie would have been a good vehicle for a lesser actor to show off his acting chops. The ending of the movie was just horrid. A year later (it isn't really given) Emily goes to look for Woody just to look into Tim's eyes again. She hugs him and cries and cries and cries. Boo-hoo. Yeah I know, its a just a movie, don't take it seriously. But Will Smith did want you to. He wants you to walk away from it learning something. Will Smith, you should take a year off after this movie. This was such a pile of shit that I hate to say it, but I am now going to excrete my Seven Pounds of waste from the movie popcorn and candy onto you in the Outhouse. Will, please make "Bad Boys 3". Save "Seven Pounds 2" (we can think of a way to bring Tim Thomas back - make it his long lost twin) for when you're old and gray.